Diary of a constant skeptic
Saturday, June 20th, 2009
Tonight I was confronted with the world. The messy, screwed up, backwards, sad, hurting, empty, and meaningless, really real world.
I must confess, in this ugly, mess of an existence we call life, I find it difficult to see where God is in all of it. I find myself oddly insulated from the outside world. The inner sanctum of the church copy room is a fitting metaphor for my life at this point. I don’t see the world as it is from my desk with no view, but worse than not seeing is acting like its not there, or that it’s easy to understand or dismiss. The world is all around me, but i walk through it as a ghost, not interacting, not really caring all that much. Then a night like tonight wakes me from my delusion. The world is not to be ignored. I find myself suddenly aligned with the athiests, the agnostics, and the godless heathens in the wonder that there could possibly be a god in the midst of this turbulent and hopeless world. What could God have possibly to do with affairs or loveless marraiges or sexual immorality? Where is God when people lie or selfishly and intentionally hurt each other. What has God to do with exclusion, belittling, destructive words, or hatred? Is God there in the bedroom of the unwed, or in the delivery room of the single mother, or in the abortion clinic? Is God with the addict, the junkie, or the boozer trying just to escape it all? Where is God these days? How does one even come to find God in the midst of a messed up situation like this? Sadly, people turn to a Church full of sanctimonious stuff-shirts who care more about the look of a person and their political affiliation than their eternal salvation; a Church that claims to worship the Almighty God, but who stand expressionless and somber when claiming to do so; a Church whose mission is to make disciples, but only drives people away with messages about anything but the Gospel. This Church cannot be the Church in which God abides. Surely such a place would be vibrant, welcoming, loving, and above all genuine. And here I stand on the inside. If the gate is truly narrow that leads to salvation, I often wonder whether the gate will be open to me. For too long I have, with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, denied this simple truth: we are imperfect people, just like everyone else. Somehow we grow accustomed to the culture of church, and we forget that real life doesn’t happen when we come to church and put on our happy faces and act like everything is going well. Life is just as difficult and messy on the inside as it is out there. So what’s the difference? Inside this institution, inside the walls of the Church, we can find comfort. We find a way to set aside all the difficulty, all the failure, all the disappointment, disaster, and hardship. It is a simple message that we all to easily forget: Jesus loves me, this I know. This truth is universal… In a world of contorted and complex truthiness, we can take solace in this: that despite how the world has treated us, God is still in heaven, and he has already sent his one and only, beloved over all creation, everlasting, genuinely loving son to show us the way to live apart from that. And that’s where I find God in all that goes on, in all the craziness of life… The simplicity that when I call on Jesus, he hears me and cares about my situation. Though no one else may listen, Jesus is there to hear my crying. Though no one else may care, Jesus is there to empathize with my situation. And though no one else may know what I’m facing, what I’m dealing with in the hole i’ve dug myself that I call my life, Jesus has already been there. He’s seen the world as it is: grimy, dirty, messy, and destroyed; and he has faced the worst life has to offer: he’s been called an illegitimate son of a woman scorned by society, he has been called a heretic and a friend to sinners, he’s been shunned by the religious institution, called a liar, hunted as a rebel, betrayed by those closest to him, was falesly accused, abandoned, beaten, crucified, died, and put in a grave. And where, you ask, is God in all of this? Where he always is, on his throne, ruling the heavens and the earth. Not as a puppet master, controlling everything on a whim, but as a God deeply hurt when he sees the sad state into which his creation has transformed itself. He was moved to action when he sent his son, and he is moved to action by the desperate cries of those who seek him. He knows and understands the depth of our pain and would help us if we would but reach out our hand in humility and seek his. And though it may not seem like the answer we look for, grace is freely given by a God who truly loves us, whether to change our situation, or to help us through the mire of the life in which we find ourselves enmeshed. He calls to us, that we might not lose hope, saying, “my child, i’ve been there, and i promise I’ve got something better for you, if you’ll just follow me.” Sadly, so many choose not to follow. They see a God who has been either impotent or unwilling to help to this point, and truly believe the better way is to change their own life. They may have even gotten this idea at a church, in the self-help gospel that seems now popular. But this is not the gospel. The only solace comes from living a life truly committed to following God’s way for us. The narrow path is no cake-walk, no easy ride. We are still walking through the grime and gruesomeness of the world around us. But when we follow God, we travel on safe roads through the danger to find the reward that greets us in the end: “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” -Revelation 21:4 This is my experience. When it seems God is farthest away, i find him by simply looking for him. In spite of all that would draw me away and take the heart of me, I find the face of Christ looking me straight in the eyes, beckoning me to come away from all this to a place he has prepared for me.
Posted in Discouragement, Doubt, Gospel, Jesus, Life Accepted, Life Connected, Life Reflected, Love, Loving God, Meaning, Questions, Truth | 1 Comment »
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